The Substitute 05/27/2012

Well things are still going really good, lately it's been like we are in a true relationship. There's been a few times he's even asked me for a kiss for no reason. Those are the moments I like. There's nothing like a kiss for no reason. When we go somewhere, especially on our walks he holds my hand. We talk like it's "our" lives and "our" future. We are discussing bills and plans, it's just amazing. On a few occassions he has brought me home a few little gifts. I take it as when he's out he's still thinking about me which is about the sweetest thing he could ever do. All of this just makes me love him so much more but I'm not showing him that. I still haven't heard those three little words that I need to hear. Sometimes I wonder if he is substituting the kisses and the gifts for those words I need to hear so badly. As perfect as things have been going, I still have my mind made up that as perfect as things are going, if he can't say it by the time he leaves, I'm still ending it. I haven't said it to him since the time he laughed at me and I want to so bad, just to let him know that I'm so content with him but I'm so scared of his reaction still. I'm not giving up hope, he has 29 days before he leaves so there's plenty of time for him to decide if he wants to tell me how he really feels. There's been a few times I was joking around with him about marrying me before he leaves. In a way I was serious and that's the first time I have ever thought about getting married again. I think it's because if something should happen to him while he's over there, and for some reason he's too scared to tell me he loves me before he leaves I would have his name and know for sure he did. He made sure to let me know that wasn't going to happen. I didn't tell him that I would keep it a secret. I had no intention on changing my name or telling anyone but hey, whatever. I'm beginning to get my confidence back so as much as I do love him if he doesn't love me I know now that I can get out and find someone who will. I want it to be him though. When I think about my future and my life I can't picture it without him in it. I hope he feels the same way. We will wait and see. Stay tuned to Kaye's life lol.............

Counting Down 05/13/2012

Well he's leaving in 25 days. I am going to miss him so much. Life just isn't going to be the same here without him. The apartment is going to be so empty. But I have totally decided that if I don't hear how he honestly feels about me by the time he leaves I'm going to end it. We have been getting along so good. I am going to spend my time writing and doing some deep soul searching of what I really want out of life. I have a good idea, just need to decide how to get there. Part of me really wants to just not talk to him the whole time he's gone so we both can decide if life would be better without being with each other. What do you guys think? This is where I really wish my friends were here. I have 25 days to figure it out. I guess I will just play it day by day. That's all I have to do right now. The sex has really slowed down. I miss that. Guess that's another thing I have to get used to huh? It hasn't been the same the last few times. You can always tell because I lose interest and all I care about is getting him off. I haven't felt like that in a long time. So anyways, that's where things are at right now. Will keep everyone updated as we count down the days.

Dreams 05/042012

Do you believe in the dreams you have at night? I had one last night that was so real I woke and was actually crying. Things have been going really good for us as you all have read. He is preparing for his trip to India and I am so happy for him. Am I going to miss him? Yes. But I'm glad that I get to share his excitement with him. I hope that he has fun while he's there and enjoys the experience. I don't want him over there feeling bad because I didn't get selected. I hope he understands that I really am okay with not going. So anyways, back to the dream. We were walking at the riverpark trail and he was holding my hand. We came upon a bench and he sat down and pulled me on his lap. He told me had something to tell me. My heart was beating and I was thinking this is it, the moment I've been waiting on and what better romantic way to tell me. He kissed me and then took a deep breath. "I don't want to hurt you but I have to tell you that I love someone else." What? Wait did I hear that right? I asked him to repeat it just so I was sure. He went on to tell me that it was one of the girls he had been texting and he fell in love with her. She makes him happy and gives him that feeling of wanting to live and enjoy life again. That's when I woke up. It was so real. I usually don't take my dreams too seriously but one thing that Larry always told me. I do what I have to do to keep peace with everyone and every situation. Is that what he's doing? Even with all my friends reading this and wanting to support me, they tell me it's not going to work out and I'm just going to get hurt. "You know how he is" is what they tell me. Do they really know something I don't? My best friends want me to come visit while he's gone. They say they are worried about me being alone while he's gone but I know that they are going to try to convince me to use this time to get over him and move on. Maybe that's what I need. I really do love him but I know it's not fair to me to not know what he really wants. My friends tell me what he tells them but how honest is he being with them? Afterall, he tells them that I'm lazy and don't clean or do laundry. I sleep all the time. I wish I could get some sleep. I just don't know what to do. I remember that one time he was doing that limo trip and was totally drunk and called me. Everything he said to me that night is still fresh in my mind. Maybe that's why I keep wanting to hold on. Maybe that's why I think there's hope. Or maybe that's why I should just move on. I do know that I have to decide what I want before he leaves. If I do decide to just move on, I can not answer his calls or email for however long he's gone. That will definately do it. One thing I know for sure is if he doesn't tell me he loves me before he goes, I will be done. So the confusion of my life continues.............

Oh What To Do 05/02/2012

So here's the update on my life. I did end up going to Florida with Lance. I was so nervous to meet his sister, he told me that he had told her about me but I didn't ask exactly WHAT he had told her and I didn't ask. I just knew that he had told me everyone liked his ex and thought he was a bad person for cheating on her and getting divorced. We took our time getting up there stopping in Jacksonville, FL. We went to the World PGA Hall of Fame. It was so nice and he held my hand and we talked and it was so relaxing. When we got to his sister's house I was shaking. She made me feel like I totally fit in and was welcomed. We went to the square that night and walked around while we were waiting to pick dinner up. We talked a lot about stuff other than work. The place was awsome. It is exactly the paradise of retirement I would like to be in. We got dinner and took it to his sister's house. We ate on the back patio and just sat around and talked. The next day we went to Orlando to Disney Marketplace. I just can't explain how I felt that day. It was just like when we first met, holding hands and talking like we were the only two people in the world. By the end of the day, I was so totally in love with him all over again. He is truely an amazing man sometimes. At that moment I realized I don't want to be with anyone else. I still haven't heard those special words from him yet though, and I really need to. That is the only thing that will make all this really real to me and that it's as important to him as it is me. On the way back the next day, we drove along the coast. We stopped at the beach and stopped at the pier. We walked the beach and just enjoyed the moment. I wanted to just grab him and hug and kiss him and never let that moment go. I wish we could do these little get aways more often, it was just the most relaxing wonderful weekend I think I have EVER had. I do love him so much!! I just wish he loved me.

Deserve Better 04/22/2012

Things have been going really good, I haven't had any doubts or negative thoughts. I haven't told him I loved him again until today. I kept waiting for him to say it to me, but he never did. So when I text him today and told him to have a good day and that I still loved him, all he could text back was Wow, thank you. You can't have a relationship without love and if he hasn't said it by now, he doesn't love me. It's really sad because I wanted this to work out so bad. But I deserve to be loved. I know there is somebody out there who wants all of me and will love me like I deserve. I have tried to show him that I can be the best girlfriend ever but apparently that's not what he's looking for. There is somebody for me, somebody who will appreciate a clean house and home cooked dinner and the little kisses on top of the head every once in awhile. So I have decided that I'm not going to Florida with him and I'm going to pass up India. It's time I concentrate on ME and what I really want out of my life. I am ok with this decission and ending the relationship. I can honestly say I gave it 100%. So there it is, the end, but just the beginning of my new chapter in life. I can't wait to see what it has in store for me.

The Move 04-04-12

Lance called that night and apparently he read my blog. He told me he didn't want me to move out. He said he would do whatever he needed to to keep me here. He also appologized for laughing when I told him I loved him, he said I just caught him off guard, he wasn't expecting it. Isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be about, surprises and those gentle little monents when they aren't expected? So I told him I would stay. I really wanted to find out his true reasons for wanting me here, but I didn't think it was a conversation to have over the phone. The next day the lady called and said I got the apt. I had to tell her my situation has changed and I won't be needing it. I wish there was some kind of sign that would let me know it was the right decission. I guess I just gotta go with my heart. When he came home, I had dinner ready for him. Then it was almost immediately after that he was all about sex. I just thought well there's my answer, he wants me here for the sex. As soon as we were done, I got out of bedf and told him I was going to go in the other room so he could get some sleep. He just said okay. Really? You're not gonna ask me to stay in here and cuddle or sleep just okay you got what you wanted so now you're happy? I just walked out of the room. The next day we were home alone and guess what? Yep he wanted sex again. I gave it up one more time but then we went out on the deck. I just asked him why he wanted me to stay. Was it for financial reasons or because he really wanted me here. He said it was because he really wanted me here. We planned a trip to Florida for the end of April. I'm really excited for that. Not too sure about staying with his sister because I've never met her and I don't know what he has told her about me. He said that for the first time he feels comfortable and I have a lot to do with that. So here again, I think things are gonna be good. Then he tells me he wants to apply for a job in Charleston. It's a city he has said several times he would like to live in. It's also a job that we both know he wants to do. So he asked me what I thought. I had to say go for it, even though deep down I wanted to say no don't go. But I don't want to be the person that holds him back. He asked what would happen to us. The only thing we can do if he does get the job is be friends and talk on the phone every once in awhile. My head is saying I hope he gets it because he deserves it. My heart is saying get ready for heartbreak. I should be used to it by now. I haven't told him lately that I love him even though I want to say it so badly. I'm afraid that if I say it, he will just say it and not mean it. God I wish he would just tell me somehow out of the blue. Why can't he just write an email and tell me how he really feels? I would like that, and after all, isn't this how we ended up back together in the first place? Me writing and telling him how I really felt. We went to USC today and walked around. At first I was waiting for him to grab my hand but here again, that didn't happen. I wanted to reach over and grab his, but was too scared to. Why am I so afraid of doing things like that? That is something I need to figure out. But on the way home, he did reach over and grab my hand. My heart was beating so fast and at that exact moment, I was so in love with him. I miss those moments so much.

Reality Sits In 03/30/12

I woke up this morning and went and checked out a few apartments. I found one that I really liked, not as nice as the one I'm in but it was nice. I filled out the application. My heart was beating so hard I thought it was gonna pound out of my chest. It was so hard to write anything on the application because he was texting me as I was filling it out. Part of me wanted to just rip it up and stay but then I kept thinking about when he laughed when I told him I loved him. So I finished it and gave it to the lady. She said I should hear something tomorrow. I'm sitting at home looking around and realizing that this is it. I see so many things that we share and some good times we have had. I miss him and he's only been gone a day. I guess this is a feeling I need to get used to. He is coming home tomorrow and I'm scared to tell him. He called last night and said he wants us to take a train ride. That would be so much fun. I've always wanted to ride a train. I'm not sure how to be friends with him and get over loving him at the same time. I guess if I win the lottery tonite it will help. No, no it won't I would want him to be with me in whatever adventures I go on.