The New Beginning 03/29/12

Well I haven't updated here in awhile so I want to share what's going on. We have had a few serious talks and I thought things were gonna work. We were on our way to work one day and I decided I wanted to make sure everything was ok with us. I asked him and he said yes. He told me I was on the right track and that's when I actually told him I loved him for the first time. All he said was he knew and that he was just stubborn. Then he asked if I was still taking my medicine. Really? He was making me believe that he was gonna try. I then asked him if it was okay if I said "I love you" every once in awhile if that would help me and he said it was okay. I told him that would help me feel better about us. Then we got into a conversation about me smoking, like that was the only thing he was asking of me. Hell I was willing to give up something that I have done and enjoyed for the past 25 years just because he was wanting me to. Does that not say anything? We talked about getting our bikes ready to go riding together.  I told him The one thing that would really make my day is if we went to the Riverwalk and put our stupid cell phones up and he held my hand as we walked. He said he could do that. I honestly was the happiest girl in the world. Things are finally going my way, I am taking my medicine and feeling better about me, I get one more chance to have a relationship with the one man I truly did love and I had no problems. The next day we went downtown and walked. I thought, this is it, he wants to show me he was really listening to what I said and I was waiting the whole time we were walking for him to grab my hand. Nope, he reached in his pocket and grabbed his cell phone and was texting most of the time. It was a nice walk for me though, I got out of the house and got to see another part of Columbia that I hadn't explored yet.  The next day, we went somewhere, don't remember where but we ended up at Red Robin. We got in to a conversation about us that HE started. He told me he just wants us to be fun again. I was thinking he meant relationship wise but with his actions, I think he meant sex wise. I didn't realize it at the time. My heart was throbbing in my chest because this was the first sign that he REALLY did want a relationship. I took a day off and he came home early. I warmed up dinner for him. I always ask him if he needs something to drink, or I cook whatever he wants for dinner. I was really trying to show him I could be a good girlfriend that I was really trying to make him happy. We were on our way to work one day and we stopped by Starbucks. When we left there, we got stopped by a red light. While we were waiting I leaned over and kissed his neck. He laughed and asked what that was for. I told him again I loved him. He just laughed. He just doesn't get how terrified I am every time I say it. I'm finally telling him how I feel and it makes me feel vulnerable to getting hurt. And he just laughs?? I was not happy. I have had a few of my friends tell me that he has been talking to them and that he is saying bad things about me, like I'm lazy and sleep all the time. I get maybe 5-6 hours of sleep a day! He told one friend that he is always having to take care of our laundry and we never wash the dishes. We are always ordering pizza and there's pizza boxes all over the house. He told another friend that Tiffany wasn't working, she was lying to me. I blew all of that off, I know that's his way of getting someone to feel sorry for him. Not quite sure why he feels he has to do that, but some of the stuff he said really hurt. He doesn't know that they have told me, and I'm not gonna say anything. One friend actually asked him if he felt like he was my "bitch" and he said yes. So now we are at yesterday when he was getting ready to go to Florida. On the way to work I tried to talk to him about us but it wasn't really going very good. He went back to saying, I just take it day by day. That's his way of saying he doesn't want a relationship. So when I got to work I sent him a text that said to have fun and relax on his vacation and again I told him I loved him. All he replied was "you relax, quit stressing and thinking , write and enjoy the quiet." He doesn't understand that I am relaxed, I'm not stressing, but when something good is happening, I want to feed off that to improve other things in my life. I decided today that after telling him I loved him three times and him not telling me anything but just laughing, I'm never going to get him to love me. I can't force him. So the game plan is to not talk or text him while he's gone cause I think we both need this time away from each other. I am going to start looking at apartments and move out. I think this is for the best. I'm gonna tell him as soon as he gets back that way when I get my money, he won't be surprised. The hard part is gonna be splitting everything up that we have bought together. I guess the main thing I want is the blender cause I feel a lot of drunk nights coming on. So that's where I'm at, I'm going to be single and let him go so he can be happy and get on with his life. The sex is not gonna happen either, I can't do him without wanting something more. Stay tuned as this is the days of my life!!